my 23rd birthday

Today is my 23rd birthday and here is what I did/what I have to say about it:

-Woke up to a text message with a birthday song written just for me. 

-Cried at said song (joy). 

-Made coffee and a bowl of yogurt with honey, granola, and orange slices. 

-Did the crossword.

-Called my parents who are the reason this day holds significance.

-Went to my favorite spot (hello Beans in the Belfry) to get coffee and oatmeal with Clea. There was an old time jam happening and it made me smile and think of my friends (hi bizzyrosalieryanemilyloveyouguys). My oatmeal came with a little pitcher of steamed milk (as it always does) and I poured all of it into my bowl.

-Went on a hike with Ben. We went to Sugarloaf Mountain and hiked the white trail (Mountain Loop, 2.5 miles). I saw many beautiful trees - the fall foliage is beginning to take over Maryland, hooray! We saw two different overlooks and a strange structure in the middle of the woods that we did not get close to. The incline at the end of the loop made me sweat which felt good. 

-Ate snacks in my kitchen with Ben and Clea. We answered Ben’s special weekend trivia questions and shared an apple with some peanut butter. 

-Took a shower and listened to many of my favorite songs. 

-Thought about John Denver. “Sunshine on My Shoulders” and “Around and Around” are two perfect songs that I listened to while washing my hair. They’re like… my bible. I wish John had been lucky enough to be around so he could be there when he died, per his request. Seems like a guy who knew how to love life.

Now I wait for dinner. Clea is making tofu and other delicious things. We will all eat together and then have more of the cake they made for Ben’s birthday yesterday/my birthday today. Chocolate cake with orange filling in the middle and chocolate buttercream frosting all around it — perfect cake!!! 

Today had a high of 74 degrees and an exciting taste of fall was in the air. Shoutout God or Whoever for giving me the perfect kind of day. 

Historically, my birthday has been a day I dread. The forced recognition that I am, in fact, getting older used to make me feel like I was wasting away. I spent much of my teenage-hood feeling like I was missing out on whatever it was I thought I should be Experiencing. My life at 23 feels like exactly what I had hoped for as a teen, and simultaneously like nothing I could have ever imagined. I did not know how good living could feel until a couple of years ago, and in the last couple of years my birthday has felt like a reminder that I am lucky to have made it this far. Maybe now I’m learning to like my birthday, since I’m learning to like aging/experiencing/growing/changing. I’ll take it! 

At 23 I am unsure of my future/self/purpose, and I often feel paralyzed when I wake up in the morning and prepare myself for another day of looking at Indeed and thinking about how much money is in my bank account. I have no way of knowing what my life will be like in 5 years, or 1 one year, or 1 week, and the not knowing can make me feel pretty horrified. But! I feel equipped to figure it out, and even though it’s horrifying it’s also exciting to think about experiencing things I can’t possibly fathom today. If the beauty of my life right now would shock 16 year old me, maybe my life at 40 or 60 or 93 would shock me at 23. I do believe there is much more life to love in my future. To quote my dearest John, “… I love to see the sun go down / And the world go around…” 

(go listen to those John Denver songs)

BYE!