spring... hmm...

i spent my day off outside, feeling emotional about moving soon. my life in oberlin feels stagnant, and i am itching to get out. but in the stillness, on a day like today (65 degrees, sunny), i can’t help but feel the weight of leaving it all behind. on my walk in the evening, i thought about how many times i have walked some variation of the route i was on. i have gone out on days when i felt like i was on top of the world, on days when i could not fathom how i would face the hours in front of me, and on days when i just didn’t know what else to do with my free time. i have been looking at the same trees and sidewalks and buildings for almost 5 years, and in a little over two months, i will say goodbye. 

sometimes i hear my housemates giggling from a block away, sitting on our porch, making up new words and singing the choruses of drake songs. when i don’t see one of them for a couple of days i always feel like it’s been far too long since we last caught up. the consistency of these relationships has carried me through the last two years. the grief i feel already, knowing this will change soon, is almost too much to bear. i try not to think about it, but as each day passes, i find myself lingering a little bit longer every time i leave to say goodnight. although i am grieving this change, i have such confidence that my relationships will extend past this chapter of my life. there is no way for me to express in writing the love i have for the people in my life — i simply can’t (won’t) even try! i will spend my life knowing them even if they are far, far away. 

as the days get longer, they somehow pass faster. spring flies by every year, but still the evenings feel so long. i spend hours outside watching the sun slowly set and i go inside only when it has been dark for some time. a few weeks ago, on one of the first warm days of the year, i was sitting with a friend talking about how quickly these next couple of months will go. we’d been on the porch for hours, just chatting and listening to the trees and the birds, watching the day end. i said i was starting to feel the time speed up, and he said, “i guess it makes you grateful for slow evenings.” and he’s right! i get to spend my nights looking at the beautiful world around me, laughing with people i love, making music, walking, sitting, enjoying. i am grateful for these slow evenings. i will say it like a prayer.